Canada List - Sneak Preview

Okay I know what your thinking that the Canada List is back already, but it's not. This is just a preview of what to expect in the future. I'm sure that there is something here that you guy's must like. Enjoy.

Welcome to the New Canada List. Instead of getting tons of mail that you might not want to read you will now recieve one message a week that will be packed full of all sorts of stuff. Read on to find out exactly what.

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Pick of the Week...

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of citynewspapers.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

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Your weekly humorscope...

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

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Short History....

Sesame Street was first broadcast on November 10, 1969.

Craig Breedlove set a world land speed record at the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah, at 600.601 miles per hour, on November 15, 1965. Never let Craig drive you to work...

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Cool Quotes...

"Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

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-=This Week's Puzzle:

The phrase coiled below is rather unusual and not just because it has (unintended) political overtones. If you start at the correct letter, and move to any letter, up, down, diagonally, or sideways, you can read the phrase.

S A D Y Y T S
T R E B D A R
C O M E M O C

(Answer is located at bottom of this message.)

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Top Ten list...

-= Top Ten Reasons Alex Trebek Became a U.S.Citizen =-

10. Dying to show off how much he knows at the citizenship exam..

9. For 10th year in a row, lost Sexiest Canadian Alive to that jerk Alan Thicke..

8. Became interested after playing U.S. Citizenship: the Home Game..

7. Risked everything to flee Canada's crushing Communist regime..

6. "What is...American tail?"

5. Finally admitted to himself he's just not that interested in hockey..

4. Canadian bacon -- neither crispy nor delicious; American bacon -- crispy and very delicious.

3. After you're sworn in as citizen, you get a free USA totebag..

2. Got into a little Jeopardy with a stripper in Toronto..

1. I'll take "Who gives a crap?" for a thousand..

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Jokes...

"Snowmans Smile"

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

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"OJ and the Lion King"

Q: What is the difference between OJ Simpson and the Lion King?

A: The Lion King is an African lion, and OJ Simpson is a lyin' African!

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Humor...

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WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

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If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in the subject line, DON'T OPEN IT.

If you do: End-All will re-write your entire hard drive.Not only that, it will scramble any disks (and eggs) that are even close to your computer. It will turn your CD ROM drive into a coffee cup holder and you will be forces to hum into the phone to get your modem to work.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream will melt. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards and bill you for the service. It will screw up the tracking on your VCR (If you ever figured out how to program the darn thing) and it will use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mixKool-aid into your fishtank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffeetable when company comes over. It will make you type Tipos.End-All will leave the toilet seat up. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work.

END ALL invites your mother-in-law over for a month. It replaces thesugar in your coffee with sweetener, causes your cable to only tune in home repair programs, and make people aware of all the things you are personally guilty of actually doing

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

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Answer to Puzzle...

In My Coils - "Star comedy by Democrats". You can start either at the upper left of the upper right, since this phrase is a palindrome.

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Ending...

I hope you enjoy the New Canada List. All of the weekly mailings will be posted to the New Canada List Hope Page located at http://members.tripod.com/~CanadaList. Thank you and have a nice day.

- Nick