Hello, hello everyone. Here is your Thanksgiving Special Canada List. I know it's a little early, but I'm not going to be here tosend it on Thanksgiving so I'm sending it now. Now there is a lot in of humor in this one, so please take the time to look over everything that is in it because I'm sure that you will find something to your liking. Thank you.
Humor - Late for the Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
What medieval church is made entirely of salt?
The Wieliczka Salt Mine, located in Krakow, Poland, has over 125 miles (200 km) of underground passages and more than 2000 chambers carved entirely out of salt!
The largest chapel, the Chapel of the Blessed Kinga, is a chamber over 160 feet (50 m) long, 50 feet (15 m) wide, and 40 feet (12 m) high, located 330 feet (100 m) underground!
The mine, which has been a source of rock salt since the late 13th century, contains beautiful bas-relief sculptures, altars, immense chandeliers, and dozens of life-size or larger statues hewn out of the salt walls. In addition to the chapels, the mine houses an entire underground museum and a sanitarium for people with respiratory illnesses.
Humor - Ice Fishing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!
-= Top Ten Rejected Names for El Nino =-
brief explanation given by Dave: El Nino is a meteorological phenomenon that has to do with warm ocean currents flowing where, heretofore, normally don't flow. This plays havoc somehow with weather in high altitude activity that plays havoc with our weather.
10. Senior Stormy
9. Gee, your monsoon smells terrific
8. The devil's wet, hacking cough
7. Starbucks' new storm-uccino
6. Windy Pete, The South American Treat
5. Al Roker's meal ticket
4. The atmospheric salad shooter
3. Stormy Spice
2. "Wierd El" Ninovic
Humor - Seminars for Males
1. You, Too, Can Do Housework
2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. Techniques of Calling Home
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous
13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Kitchen to Curbside
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma-If IT's awake: Take A Cold Shower
20. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
21. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count..
Quotes by Steven Wright
I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokineses raise my hand.
For Sale: Parachute. ONly used once, never opened, small stain.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty- three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, "dihydrogen monoxide," was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Humor - Ridiculous Laws
Don't Be A Tool Of The Establishment.
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. <SARASOTA> It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.