Here are everybodies horoscopes for today..
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either..
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of.. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear..
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done..
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone..
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time..
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store..
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes....
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw..
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not..
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today..
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught..
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